Yeah.

"You never talk to me or come see me."
you say that, but yet, when was the last time you came to see me? I remember exactly when it was. 2 and a half years ago. Just because I have a fucking car does not mean I have to be the one to go see you every time. If it's getting to you this much, get off the fucking Internet and come see me yourself.

No matter where you go, you are what you are playa'.
And you can try to change but that's just the top layer,
Man, you was who you was 'fore you got here.

Tumblr? Or is that betrayal?

I want to be good at blogging.
I want to like things that I don't like at the moment.
I want to read more.
I want to cook more.
I want to drink more.
I want to talk more.
I want to be a better friend.
I want to be a good girl.
I want to have more money.
I want to appreciate what I have.
I want to appreciate who I have.
I want to understand more.
I want to know that we're going to be ok.
I want to know what you're thinking, all the time.
I want to be with you more.
I want to have a tumblr.
I want to be good at posting.
I want to be decisive.
I want to be more exciting.
I want to be more open.
I want to prove it.
I want to change.
I want you to see.
I want things to just go right for once.
I want everyone to understand.

I talk to God as much as I talk to Satan

'Cause, I want to hear both sides.
Does that make me cynical?
There are no miracles,
and this is no miraculous life.

Getting there.

It's been one of the worst weeks of my life, and I even feel bad complaining about it, because you weren't my loss. And to those who have lost you, I am genuinely sorry. You've heard this a thousand times, but a thousand and one never hurt anyone. You were my friend, I don't mean that. I just know there are more important people right now. It's all still so surreal. Aside from the tragedy itself, my best friend's face as he walked down the aisle, having to carry his girlfriend was the most horrifying image I have ever encountered, one which will never leave me, try as I may to escape from it. I'm proud of you, just so you know. Most people wouldn't have been able to do it. You stayed strong for her. Because of her. Nothing I can say will make this better. Which is shit, because making you feel better was the one thing I could always do. That's gone now. For how long? I don't know. Not too long, please. This is, after all, our last summer. She'd want us to enjoy it, just like she planned to. This is where we take over. We can fulfil the things she never got to.
Life is short, and often, shortened even further. You don't know when your last day is going to be. Live now, while you can. If someone means something to you, tell them now. However stupid it may be, because you don't know when you'll get another chance to. I'm infinitely sorry you had to be the example for us to live by, but hopefully now we can realise what we have, and learn to make the most of it. Going on, not moving on. Goodbye Ciara <3



This was like the only photo I could find of you alone, which says a lot about how selfless you were, really. Ily.

25 - 06 - 10

This helps, a bit. It's a bit bent. But I think it's nice. I hope it helps you too. I don't know if I believe in God and all that, I like to think it's all real. I like to think there's someone there to mind you now <3

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call;
I turned my back and left it all.

I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way;
I found that place at the close of day.

If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared a laugh, a kiss;
Ah yes, these things, I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much;
Good friends, good times, a loved ones touch.

Perhaps my time seems all to brief;
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now, He set me free.

I'll always miss you. x

It was over before it began.

fuck this.

The sky above us shoots to kill.

I struggle to believe you could actually be this selfish, yet I know I shouldn't be at all surprised. I can't see how this can ever be better. And with you not realising that you're are infinitely wrong in this situation, I know this is it. I have literally never known a more fickle person. I hate how close you both have grown. I hate how this is spreading, it's fucking cancerous. I hate how I've been replaced. I hate how you've said these exact words yourself, and can't see what a hypocrite you're being. I hate that what I say never fucking matters to you. I hate that for once you can't just see beyond your own fucking happiness. I hate that I believe if you knew what this was doing to me you'd stop, when I know that's complete bollocks. I hate that you still firmly believe you have the upper hand. I hate that this is probably the end. Bye.

I begged you to hear me, there's more than flesh and bones.
Let the dead bury the dead, they will come out in droves.
But take the spade from my hands and fill in the holes you've made.

Post geography bliss.

I literally could not have been luckier with the geography exam paper. Of all the towns in Ireland that could have been chosen for the aerial photograph and OS map extract, it was Carrick. Unbelievable. I think I could actually have done the questions on it from memory. Also, I completely risked that the use of magma to heat water in Iceland was an example of human interaction with the rock cycle. Which I'm beginning to question now. So if anyone knows if that counts, giz a shout. So relieved I never have to do it again.
I also got exceptionally lucky with English, despite panicking that having only studied 4 of the 8 poets, the other 4 might have come up. But I got to do Yeats in the end <3
Maths was a disaster though. If it doesn't redeem itself with paper 2 tomorrow there will be severe consequences. And unpleasant words exchanged between the paper and I.
Can't wait for Oxegen. S'pretty much the highlight of my summer, 25 days to go:
30 Seconds to Mars; Biffy Clyro; Plan B; Fatboy Slim; Scouting for Girls; Republic of Loose; Two Door Cinema Club; The Prodigy; Mumford & Sons; Kids in Glass Houses; Stereophonics and Eminem if he shows. Which he clearly won't, unfortch.

"I can hear through the walls in this place.
voices down the fire-escape; shadows on the stairwell.
No more anecdotes, no more whispered hope.
Take me to the rooftops,
A thousand blind windows stare back at me."

Proper post soon, I promise.

I woke early one day after a restless night
I watched the stars burst and fill the morning sky with light
In my hazy daze I noticed something on my bedroom floor
It was an envelope I don't think I had seen before
I opened with caution and in it did reside
A map and a note that said "join me inside"
I had nothing to do that day outside of my head
So I decided to just follow and see where it led
It led me to a door, I grabbed the handle and used it
Stood before me was the physical embodiment of music
I could barely believe my eyes, she was a sepia goddess
Every contour was perfection yet her demeanour was modest
Even armed with all this beauty she was in no way belittlin'
I'd liken her body to the open riff from Little Wing
Her eyes burned deep with the passion of a nameless chain gang
Lips smart with the vibe of Son of a Preacher Man
She told me how she had evolved over time
We sat in an empty room with just a bed and some wine
We talked for hours about the things she's seen and done but not boastin'
We passed the Zinfandel, raised the glass and just toasting
We had a meeting of minds
She breathed a life in this old brain
She was the milk in my Kahlua
I was the Hartman to her Coltrane
Showed me scars she had acquired each time a genius would depart
Jimi Hendrix on her left hand, Johnny Cash on her heart
Different fingers Mingus, Davis
And her leg scarred for Elvis
Ray Charles on her eyelids
Jim Morrison on her pelvis
Then she asked about me
And my musical stylings
All the things in life I found somewhat inspiring
I paused, the wine making me feel quite cocky
feeling whatever I said she would take in, and not mock me
Said "I'm a wordsmith and artist
I'm deep like the tardist
Every time I aim for something I'm gonna hit the target"
She said "Gangster rap?"
I said "No, but drop the 'g'
You might start to get a better description of me
"Angster rap?" she said
"If it sticks you'll regret that
The most appalling moniker since the dawn of emo rap"

She was a sepia goddess
Yet her demeanour was modest
Her hair was wild like the darkest deepest of forests
Many before me had fallen
at her feet and died
But that night we made a connection and she let me inside

I continue:
Some of these clothes are looking old just like my jaded character
Who thinks an old pro, but sometimes I act like an amateur
This hat's an old classic in the first stage of dilapidation
It's a fair evaluation that its making this equation a little
top heavy if you know what I mean
'cause there's a fine line between a classic and a has-been
As I finished my sentence I noticed the sadness in her eyes
It's moved me, left my mind wondering why
As we laid there she buried her head in my chest
I wrapped my arms around her stroked her with the sweetest caress
I wanted to find the right line to make her sad head lift
Wanted a chance to breathe life back into music like Reggie
Said she'd grown sick
and tired of the same shit
I said if there's anything in the world I can do she should name it
She said sit in public places and quietly observe
All of the speeches mannerisms every action and word
When something inspires me to concentrate on that thing
Get a pen and pad and then produce a vocal offering
She said "Bring the lost art of conversation back
I'm sick to death of awkward silences and all that crap
It's time to talk to one another, share your thoughts and facts
Learn the more of it you give, the more you get right back"
I looked her in the eyes and said I'd do what I could
Then she held my head and kissed me, but not like a lover would
But then, it also wasn't like a close friend or relative
Instead of exciting, it was calming like a spiritual sedative
And then we laid there until I woke in an empty room
If I couldn't still smell her skin I'd be inclined to assume
that I'd dreamt the whole thing but I knew that I hadn't
And I'd seen the perfect balance of beauty and talent
After a moment of reflection I rose to my feet
Opened the door with squinted eyes and stepped back into the street
I kind of staggered home and got out a pen as she'd said
I wrote down my inspiration and here's what it read:

She was a sepia goddess
Yet her demeanour was modest
Her hair was wild like the darkest deepest of forests
Many before me had fallen
at her feet and died
But that night we made a connection and she let me inside

176 hours to go.

Why can't people just fuck off?
There is constantly so much fucking drama.
Uggggggggggggghhhhhh.


:(

< 2 weeks.

'S ba léir, ba léir, 'sé deacair dúinn a rá, 'sé deacair dúinn a rá.
Ach is léir dom, s'léir dom go nglacfaidh sé go leor am agus beagáinín ádh.
'Sé ag tosú dúinn, ag glacadh an céad céim.
Tá sé ag athrú, ag feabhsú muid fhéin.
Meas tú an cuma linn nó an gcreideann muid fós.
Ach seo mar atá dúinn agus b'fhearr linn leanúint ár threo.

This is my Reprise.

You're probably not going to like this post very much. So, before it begins, I'm sorry. I don't mean to keeping voicing (or writing as it were) my opinions on this, but it's getting to me. This is probably a quite aptly titled post too. I know things are fantastic now, and please, just know that I'm not trying to ruin this. But until I see my thoughts in a logical sequence here, I can't begin to stop thinking them.
Though things could literally not be better right now, I can't help but feel sick at the thoughts that a little over three months from now, you're going to be taken from me. Two and a half years of sticking it out through the bad times, in the hope of a "someday", for that to finally get here, and be taken away so easily again doesn't seem fair. And it's not that I don't want you to go. I understand what it means to you, and I'll never stand in the way of that. A new life, new friends, new interests, new past times, a new person? Who knows. That's your decision, which I will endeavour to respect to it's end. But this is a big change. Bigger than we've given it credit for. What if it is too hard? What if things don't work out? What am I left with then? What are we left with? A void, I imagine.
I rely on you. More than you'd realise. Things are. . darker when you're not there. Less clear. But we can make this work, right? Because I need you.

I suck at goodbyes. But you're always there to make things better afterwards. Who do I turn to if it comes down to this?

But then again, maybe I'm being a hypocrite. I want a new start too. I want change.
I want to be a new person. A nice person. Not the one I've been this last while. I want to be me. I hope this works out. Because I don't like me without you.
I love you x

In our short years, we've come a long way, to treat it bad just to throw it away.

I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for love.

I think things might actually be sorting themselves out. I hope so, that would be nice (:

I literally cannot wait for Saturday. I really need this, and I really want to see you. It'll be so nice (: However, I finally have antibiotics and I'm gonna have to wait 'til Sunday to take them :( That's one of my top five favourites songs down thurr. Plz listen.

Two sides twist and then collide.
You're calling off the guards, I'm coming through. Am I coming through?
Adulteress conditioned to a spin cycled submission,
"You know sometimes it just feels better to give in".
Sometimes it just feels better to give in.

And it's all too familiar, and it happens all the time.
All the cards begin to stack up,
Twisting heartache into fine little pieces that avoid an awful crime,
But it's you I can't deny.

Dull heat rises from the sheets,
See, I'm both a patient boy. and a jealous man
. Am I coming?
But double standardarized suspicion is remedied,
Oh My Blue Heaven
"Sometimes it just feels better to give in..."
Sometimes it just feels better to give in.

And it's all too familiar and it happens all the time.
All the cards begin to stack up,
Twisting heartache into fine little pieces that avoid an awful crime,
But it's you I can't deny.

We swing and we sway
as this tiny voice in my head starts to sing,
"You're safe, child, you are safe"
You're safe, child, you are safe.
You're safe, child, you are safe.

We swing and we sway
as this tiny voice in my head starts to sing,
"You're safe, child, you are safe"
You're safe, child, you are..

You are safe..
We swing and we sway
as this tiny voice in my head starts to sing
"You're safe, child, you are safe"
Am I.. coming through?

Is this all too familiar? Does it happen all the time?
I'm just asking you to hear me;
Could you please just once just hear me?
More than anything, you wanted to be right
Still it's you, you, it's you I can't deny..
You I can't deny.
It's you I can't deny.

I love Dixon Bainbridge.

I don't ever want to hate you,
So don't show me your bed.
'The only roads are cul-de-sacs's,
The first thing that she said.

Temptation, greets you like your naughty mate.
The one that used to get you in bother,
The one you could never bring yourself to hate.

And she said we've got that spark,
That only lights a fuse.
Helps you see in the dark,
But it's a sight you'll lose when,
The temptation greets you like your naughty friend.

I don't ever want to hate you,
So don't show me your bed,
The only roads are cul-de-sacs,
The only ends are dead.

Temptation greets you like your naughty mate,
Tne that made you steal and set things on fire,
The one you haven't seen of late.

And I said that kind of talk,
Only adds intrigue,
To the cauldron of thought.
It's already exceeding
Temptation, the very thing that held her back.

I don't ever want to hate you,
So don't show me your bed,
The only roads are cul-de-sacs,
The only ends are dead.

I don't ever want to hate you,
It's not part of the plan,
So keep your charm where I can't see it,
And your hands where I can.

And you'll be amazed at the secrets I keep.

Happiness, more or less.
It's just a change in me, something in my liberty.

Saving Bebo photos. Yeah, me too. So many memories. Still can't bring myself to delete it though. I was always so anti-deleting your Bebo. Just stop using it like.

Look at my long luscious hair. Eww.


"My uncle once punched a man so hard his legs became trombones."

30 Seconds to Mars.

I don't really know what it is, but I'm falling in love with all these "shit" bands again. 30 Seconds to Mars, Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance and The Used are some of my favourite bands at the moment. I don't care how gay it is, to be honest. They have good songs, and surely that matters more than their somewhat homosexual appearances?

I appreciate friends a lot at the moment too. Recent events have made me crave mundanity again. I place too much emphasis on leading a more dynamic life, but you don't appreciate what you have then. It's like spending all week looking forward to the weekend. We all do it sometimes, but the weekend accounts for 28% of your life. There's 72% of your existance being effectively wished away, and it just seems a little ungrateful, I don't know, I just want this to be sorted and everyone to just be safe, but you're too selfish for that. :/

I won't suffer, be broken,
get tired or wasted,
surrender to nothing.
Or give up what I started,
and stop this,
from end to beginning,
a new day is coming,

And I am finally free.

Fuck this.

I'm so sick of everything going wrong. And no one even contemplating everything not being my fault. You actually could not be more mistaken, and I'd give anything to tell you, to make you feel like this, but I can't do that to people.

Last night was strange. It was intended to be a relieving night. To escape. But no, as usual, drama prevailed and enveloped the night. However, much of said drama died down until I suffered an excruciating blow from Tadhg Walsh. In a fit of shit-phone-induced-rage, his phone was hurled to the ground and he proceeded to stamp on it, as though it were some fiery monster. After noticing this, I thought "You're gonna need tha' for a taxi, boi.". However, in trying to salvage what was left of the phone, my hand became involved in the raucous and was repeatedly stamped on 'til I could no longer bend my fingies.
Adamant to not be hindered by such a disability and be subsequently forced to carry no more than two plates at a time in work the following day, I, in my inebriated state, fashioned a splint to keep my fingers straight. And of course, we only have the best medical equipment in my house. The only straight finger length object available from the drawers I looked in was Pritt stick. So, armed with industrial strength duct tape and my aforementioned Pritt stick, I set about affixing my fingers to this tube of adhesive with even more adhesive. Not everything had been considered though. Bear in mind, I had found my raw materials, if you will, in the kitchen and as such, was still fully dressed so the problems began to multiply from there on in. I survived though, wha'?

I hope things can get better soon, 'cause I just can't keep this up. De réir a chéíle a thógtar na caisleáin, áfach.

"Well it rains, when it rains.
Oh, my heart don't feel the same.
There's a sun in my sky,
You don't see it, or even try."

Shit.

Y'know when you're saying goodbye to someone and it's like
"See ya."
"Mind yourself."
Doesn't 'mind yourself' seem a little passive aggressive and threatening?

Jesus died for somebody's sins,
but God knows he didn't die for mine.
'Cause I'll stand accountable for my own damn sins,
each and every time.

Foxtrot Mike Lima.

Camping? Probably not. Huge disappointment to be quite honest. I was really looking forward to it. Guess I'll just make the most of Friday night. Fucking work Saturday though. It literally ruins everything. And I know I shouldn't be complaining about having a job. But it's hard when you're in school 8:30 to 5:30 Monday to Friday, to give up your entire weekend as well. Not to mention trying to study.

You are ruining everything at the moment. Every plan we have, you find yourself intertwined in. Not only are you de-sensitised to invitations (I wouldn't be too pissed off if misunderstandings were the cause of your constant presence) you never have the decency to even mention your irrefutable attendance. And how fucking ungrateful can you be? You're so ignorant. I wish you'd just fuck off. Or at least, grow. the. fuck. up. But, your worst attribute, by far, is how you affect me. And how your bullshit, for want of a better word, affects my worthwhile relationships. There are people I care about. And you, most certainly, are not one of them.

I'm sorry for the way things have been lately. How I haven't been. . me.
I hope things can get back to normal soon. Because no one means as much to me as you do. And nothing will ever change that. I cannot wait for this whole Leaving Cert. shit to be over, but when it is, what happens then? Are we just looking forward to this obstacle being averted? However, in turn, another one draws closer. The biggest obstacle of all. Probably the biggest obstacle we'll ever face. And, I'm finally realising, this is what I've been dreading all along. That three years later, three years of work, three years of pain and three years of consistent fighting to find ourselves in the position we're in and then, we're effectively back to day one? That's not fair. It really, really isn't.

You're all I want, you're all I need.
You are the one for me.
You hold me close, you hold me near.
You are the one for me.
The pain I feel when you leave.
You are the one for me.
You're all I want, you're all I see.
You are the one for me.